Living an Effective Life

Many years ago a research psychiatrist, George Valliant, completed a longitudinal study of male college students. He was interested in the qualities that made up adaptive behavior.  Many of his findings made sense. Look around you at people you know personally or in print, and see if you agree with the points below.

Adaptive people plan ahead. They anticipate. Mothers bring toys for children, when long waits are involved, and skiers bring warm clothing, even if the day starts out warm.  Successful retired people have been planning their post work years for a long time.

Humor is a trait one often finds in adaptive people. The surgeons in Mash had a difficult job, but humor helped them get through it.  Humor releases tension in situations that are tense and difficult. I remember participating in a charged discussion around the quality of the food at a facility at which I worked.  Emotions were high, and as the meeting adjourned, the director said with a smile, “ Shall we go to lunch”.

Contrary to the encounter group movements years ago, suppression of emotion can also be adaptive. How many annoying situations have we all been in where the temptation to become emotional is strong?  However, losing emotional control often has disastrous consequences.  Road rage is a perfect example. Expressing strong emotion feels good, but the consequences may make holding feelings in a better alternative.

Here are some tips for successful life management:

1.    Assess situations continuously and think what is likely to happen down the road.  Think about what you need to do to generate a successful outcome.

2.    Try to keep a “detached “perspective, when possible. President Kennedy was able to joke with reporters, even when they were asking him hard, confrontational questions.

3.    Biting one’s tongue isn’t fun, but it may keep you from having even less fun in the future! Apologies aren’t all that effective. People remember what you did.