Mental Health

A lot has been written about mental illness and personal dysfunction. On the other hand not many people have chosen to talk or write about good mental health! Freud talked about being able to love and work, and that is a good starting point.

Functional, healthy people aren’t afraid to reach out and produce. They take risks. They make things happen. Are they sometimes anxious? Of course, but their need to be productive outweighs their desire for personal psychological safety. Look at the lives of successful people and often you see that they have been characterized by creative productivity. John Kennedy, Dwight Eisenhower, and Stephen Spielberg are just a few examples of people with long records of accomplishments.

The ability to have good relationships with others is another hallmark of mental health.  Think about people you know. Some are skilled at forming relationships that are nurturing and creative. Others are not. Pope Francis is able to relate to all kinds of people. He genuinely seems to like people and enjoy reaching out to them.

Do healthy people have faults and flaws? Of course they do. Some drink too much, get divorced, and take a while to grow up. Ted Kennedy had a number of problems in his youth that can be traced to “a foster care type of upbringing by parents burnt out on parenting”. However. He overcame early deficits to become an esteemed, productive senator and father figure to a large, extended family.

Bill Bradley, the ex senator from new Jersey, was productive his entire life. He moved seamlessly from The New York Knicks to the United States Senate.  He related as easily with Walt Frazier as with Tip O’Neil. Had he chosen he might have been a candidate for president. He had an excellent relationship with his wife and stepdaughter. He was a good example of a mentally healthy person.

Spiral

Want to see an action packed Netflix series with great acting and writing? Try Spiral, the French series about a police team in Paris. The characters are authentically convincing, and the episodes are hard to stop watching. The show is a big hit in Europe and should be in the States.

The Chieftains

The Irish came to Escondido last night in the form of the Chieftains, the band formed in 1962. I had always liked their music, but I wasn’t prepared for the high octane, entertaining show they gave at the California Center for the Performing Arts. They sang, danced, and played traditional Irish instruments. At one point some local girls came out and performed Irish dances. At another an adult chorus from Escondido joined on some songs. I kept waiting for my former secretary, who lives in Poway, to make an appearance.

The women in front of me were having fun. They came ready to jump into the show, and that they did. Clapping and laughing, they were having all the fun there was to be had. I talked to them after the show, and one of the women had seen the original group in Kansas City fifty years ago.

The band gave you your money’s worth. They played non-stop for an hour and a half with most band members playing multiple instruments. As we walked to the parking lot, people seemed happy, and I saw one teen-aged boy trying an Irish Jig!

Let's Keep the Helicopters Grounded

The term “Helicopter Parents” has become part of our national lexicon. It refers to ambitious, competitive parents who hover, micromanage, and over direct their children. Such parents often live in highly competitive geographical areas, where a children’s “success” is a reflection of their parents’ prowess.  Helicopter parents are often successful people, who have learned the ingredients of position and affluence such as hard work, good social skills, and quality education. Thus it is tempting for them to “educate” their children so that they too will find success.

To keep the helicopters flying, a child must succeed, often in multiple areas. School is all-important, but sports, clubs, the arts, travel, and charity work count too. The pressure on parents and children can be enormous. Unfortunately, often helicopter parents don’t have faith in their children’s ability to find their way through the inevitable trial and error process that constitutes growing up, and they decide to be the architect of their children’s development.

If parents hover too much, children may develop the kinds of symptoms that will bring them to see the psychologist. The parents agenda not surprisingly is too “fix the kid” and get him back on track. The child expects another adult telling him what to do.  Problems presented often are academic underachievement, depression, substance abuse, and “ADD”.

Treatment of such families is not easy for anyone. The parents have to trust the therapist and be open to a new paradigm. They need to provide structure for safety, but give more choice to their child. Classic areas of control that have to be given up by the parents are homework, grades, music, friends, food, and activities.  Often the child has become dependent on a parent, and he or she is frightened of freedom and responsibility. The therapist’s job is to help the child take new risks, which have been desired, but also feared.

It is an exciting time, when parents have the courage to let their children be and refocus on their own lives. Not surprisingly their children begin to demonstrate a new vitality and openness that has been underground as they begin to design a life of their own making.

Vacationing with Companions

Vacations for most people are highly valued times to be savored and enjoyed. This is particularly so in the United States, where vacation time is limited in comparison to other industrialized nations.  There is often a pull to vacation with friends and family members. Costs can be reduced, the idea of shared fun is attractive, and others bring new kinds of stimulation to the table.

However, before you go on vacation with friends or family, you need to ask yourself a number of questions. Too often people travel with underlying assumptions, which may or may not be true. It is important to get clear before a trip what one’s expectations are. For example:

1.    Do others share your views about spending money?

2.    Do people want to do the same activities.

3.    Do people begin the day at the same time?

4.    Do people want to meet others on the vacation and spend time with them?

5.    Do people want to cook or go out?

These are only a few of the questions that need to be asked. Over the years I have learned that on ski trips, I need to make it clear to accompanying friends that I am on the lift at 8:30.  I have had friends who made the assumption that on a vacation everyone will want to “sleep in.”

Probably the best model for vacationing with others is one that incorporates everyone’s wishes. Making the wishes explicit on the front end is crucial. There have to be open discussions. Once it is clear what people want, then plans can be made for individual and joint ventures  that meet peoples’ needs. Such a strategy reduces conflict and allows everyone to be heard.