Let's Keep the Helicopters Grounded

The term “Helicopter Parents” has become part of our national lexicon. It refers to ambitious, competitive parents who hover, micromanage, and over direct their children. Such parents often live in highly competitive geographical areas, where a children’s “success” is a reflection of their parents’ prowess.  Helicopter parents are often successful people, who have learned the ingredients of position and affluence such as hard work, good social skills, and quality education. Thus it is tempting for them to “educate” their children so that they too will find success.

To keep the helicopters flying, a child must succeed, often in multiple areas. School is all-important, but sports, clubs, the arts, travel, and charity work count too. The pressure on parents and children can be enormous. Unfortunately, often helicopter parents don’t have faith in their children’s ability to find their way through the inevitable trial and error process that constitutes growing up, and they decide to be the architect of their children’s development.

If parents hover too much, children may develop the kinds of symptoms that will bring them to see the psychologist. The parents agenda not surprisingly is too “fix the kid” and get him back on track. The child expects another adult telling him what to do.  Problems presented often are academic underachievement, depression, substance abuse, and “ADD”.

Treatment of such families is not easy for anyone. The parents have to trust the therapist and be open to a new paradigm. They need to provide structure for safety, but give more choice to their child. Classic areas of control that have to be given up by the parents are homework, grades, music, friends, food, and activities.  Often the child has become dependent on a parent, and he or she is frightened of freedom and responsibility. The therapist’s job is to help the child take new risks, which have been desired, but also feared.

It is an exciting time, when parents have the courage to let their children be and refocus on their own lives. Not surprisingly their children begin to demonstrate a new vitality and openness that has been underground as they begin to design a life of their own making.