Responsibility

Most parents would tell you that they want their children to grow up to be responsible adults. Who wouldn’t want that? However many parents act in ways which foster dependency, not responsibility and independence. They do things for their children that the children could do for themselves. The reasons are multifold. They want to be helpful, they want to feel useful, and they may be afraid that their children won’t need them.

Once you decide you want your children to be less dependent and more self-sufficient, you will need to be strategic in your interactions with the kids. Children can be very clever and relentless in their quest of avoiding responsibility and concomitant anxiety.

Here are some verbal examples for transferring ownership of a problem:

Child: I can’t figure this out.
Parent: What will you do?

Child:  How am I going to get to the mall?
Parent: Do you have a plan?

Child: I am really upset!
Parent:  How can I help you?

Parents can help children figure out their problems, but they have to keep in mind whose problems they are. Solving problems too often for a child may bring gratification for the child, but it doesn’t help the child develop feelings of competence and self-esteem.

Enabling is easy, but drawing boundaries and being firm is

hard because such positions can create conflict and anxiety.